So, I recently got married, and I recently moved in Canada with my husband.
A lot of change in just a few weeks. But hey, I’m married now.
I thought it wouldn’t change anything in our relationship, that it was just an officialization, an opportunity to celebrate our love with our friends and families.
You know, I’ve always been very independent. Never needed anyone. I left my parents when I was 17, and even before that my mother always said “hey, I didn’t educate you, even that you did it by yourself”.
Disclaimer here: my parents are great people, and great parents. It was all because of me.
Anyway, I’m a wife now, we have a joint bank account, we share everything, and I’m realizing that it changes a tiny thing : now he can do the things I don’t want to do. Or even the things that I just don’t really feel like doing. Or, the things that he would do anyway, and then I don’t have to do it.
And wow, I got used of that very quickly. Maybe a week after we moved to Toronto, we were staying in a temporary apartment, and then I noticed that I had never touched the key of this apartment. We had two sets of keys, I could have used one, but everytime we left I assume he had the keys and just left without even taking my purse. Without anything, really. Same for money: we both got a brand new debit card (we’re european, we don’t do credit cards yet), but I had never used mine yet.
(That’s especially ironic since I alomost had a breakdown at the bank because I felt that the guy didn’t consider me enough haha)
It actually gets worse: I have no clue of the name of our power provider, our housing insurance, I don’t know how health insurance works. That’s a shame.
34 years of proud independence wiped out in just a few days of marriage. My husband has the money, the keys, he pays the bills, he knows how administrative things work and he has an app to transfer money from Europe to Canada. Meanwhile, the only thing I’ve been really committed into is choosing the furniture for our new apartment. What a cliché.
I’ve always been so proud about being able to do things by myself, and I brag a lot about being way more handy than a lot of men of my generation. I’ve lived alone for 17 years and handled everything alone, paid my bills, repaired stuff, with no help.
So, what’s happening to me ? Was I secretly frustrated all this time, just waiting to finally have a husband so that he can take charge of everything ? Have I always been a housewife from the 50’s, inside ?
I think we all have several examples of women who were independent, had jobs, a full life, and abandoned everything as soon as they got married.
And we probably heard the same comments: “Come on, we always knew that she was just waiting for someone to marry her in order to stop working.” “Hey, the only reason she works in this specific area is that she knew it would help her finding a rich guy.”
What did we think about these women ? Well, that we would never be like that. That we would never be “just a wife”.
And actually, I spent a lot of time fighting the fact that people may think that about me. I’ve explained a hundred times how moving in Canada was a choice WE made TOGETHER, that I was not following my husband. This story always took at least 5 minutes to tell, and I told it to a bunch of people who really didn’t care. So, this story was probably for me, not for them. Even if it’s the truth, I apparently had to go through a lot of efforts convincing myself that I was still independent, married or not. I thought I was telling people that I wouldn’t be “just a wife”, but what if I was just struggling to deny that I was exactly that ?
One smart ass could say that if my destiny have all along been to become a wife, I would probably have done that earlier.
Smart. True. So, hold on.
All of that is very new to me. The only time I’ve lived with someone was more than ten years ago, and it really wasn’t this level of commitment. It wasn’t a “we share our lives” partnership like the one I have with my husband. He wasn’t the love of my life.
Maybe it is so new that I will need some time to adjust between the two extremes that are “single independent woman in her 30’s” and “housewife from the 50’s”.
Maybe I’m so happy that I felt like diving in this comfortable cocoon that is being married.
Maybe I needed vacation from everything after the crazy weeks that I had.
Anyway, just wondering all of that means that I probably still have my independence of mind. I just also have a husband who doesn’t mind doing boring administrative stuff, and who is happy to finally being able to take care of me.
And maybe accepting that someone takes care of us doesn’t mean losing our independence, it’s just enjoying life and relationships.
And I actually really don’t care about the name of our power provider.