So, I started meditating. Or trying to meditate, I’m not sure about the difference.
Anyway, I’m doing it, everyday. It’s supposed to make me more calm, less anxious and stressed. And in long term, improve my global well-being, etc. Seems great.
It’s true that after a session I feel calm. So calm that sometimes I’m close to snooze, but hey, at least I’m calm. And it’s enough for now, we’ll see about the long term benefits later.
But yesterday, my husband asked me: “so, do you feel and improvement on your stress and anxiety ?”
Well, actually, I didn’t know what to say. Because for the first time since years, I don’t feel stressed or anxious, and I’m not mad at anything. That was a little shock for me. I’m ALWAYS mad at something or someone. And it’s often because of work.
So what’s the difference ?
Well, since I moved to Canada, I’m still working but remotely. And apparently, that makes all the difference.
First, I don’t see a lot of people everyday. I don’t see them acting bossy, I don’t hear the gossip at the coffee machine, I don’t see the petty office politics anymore. I feel that I’m far away geographically, but also psychologically.
The way I handle things has probably shifted as well. Being that far away, I feel probably a little less involved, but that’s for the better. I’m still efficient and productive, but now I’m only that. When I was there 40 hours a week, I was acting bossy, I was gossiping, I was probably a negative presence sometimes as well. And it’s a vicious cycle, because negativity appeals for more negativity.
Sartre was right : hell is other people. My behaviour is way better when I am alone. These days, I just want to be of use, I’m not fishing for compliments, I just do my work. And no one is there to get me mad.
But sometimes I miss all of that. I miss a coffee break with my girlfriends/colleagues to complain about anything and support each other in our little battles against everything.
I miss the energy that being mad gives me.
I’m afraid that being anxious have been my only way of fueling me at work. These days, I’m calm and productive but I feel that I’m progressively shutting down.
When my husband comes back home in the end of the afternoon, I’m happy to see him but I don’t feel like talking to him. We pretty fast get used of not talking, and soon we feel that we don’t actually need it. It’s like being alone makes us wallowing in, and it takes some time to wake up and get back out there, even just to tell my husband about my day.
Since we’re here, my energy has been very low as well. I thought it was because I sleep very poorly, but hey, I always slept poorly and it never stopped me for functioning properly.
Other people are hell, but we are still social animals. We need the contact of others to inspire us, to make us mad, to make us laugh, to make us feel alive.
I see now the energy I get by just having a meaningful conversation with someone. I feel more motivated, more passionate about everything.
As it appears, I don’t have to get mad to feel alive! And if it happens, well, I’ll just try to meditate.
For the rest, I have to wake up and talk to the people I love.